A reluctant welcome

I feel like a complete ninny... a couple of days ago I found out one of my friends, a recent friend but someone I really like and know is a solid good guy, has been diagnosed with cancer and I find myself struggling to find something intelligent to say to him. I want so badly to reach out, find the right words and tell him that I know what he's going through but what makes me arrogant enough to be so sure that I do? He sounds like he's doing well with things and is just taking the steps he needs to take right now, what makes me so sure that he is feeling what I felt during my first days? what makes me assume that he even wants anyone to reach out to him? (Boy, hell of a cancer advocate I'm going to be...) I remember the numbness and the loneliness of when I was first diagnosed, I'm not so sure I would have reacted well to someone coming at me with empathy, because, really, is the empathy about trying to make the other person feel better? or about trying to make yourself feel better? is that where I am with this right now, I'm thinking about myself instead of thinking about my friend? I hope not. I don't want to rev up his worries by talking about my cancer, I don't want to be intrusive, I don't want to talk to him about the fact that his disease is highly curable and completely treatable and have that be taken as being dismissive, all I want to really do is help him be at peace with himself, and it sounds like he pretty much is.

But I also bet that I probably sounded like I was doing pretty well those first days too, and I was, given the situation, but I also found myself wanting to run away from my life, wanting to cry or be angry and not doing so because it would elicit more attention from my loved ones and I didn't really want it, I needed to be left alone a bit. I wasn't really ready to talk to other cancer survivors or read triumphant stories, I just needed to let things sink in for a while. But what was a comfort was knowing that if I did have questions or did want to hear someone's story they were there for me, so I suppose that's all I can do for my friend right now...

The minute I first heard the news about him my first instinct was to say "welcome to my Tribe", and I meant it, with all the bittersweet implications that comes with. I meant it as an embrace and I meant it as a message that it's not all that bad being in this Tribe. I do believe that, but at the same time I'd rather not have to welcome any more of the people that I love into it.