Umbilical Cord Syndrome

These were his words: "you have an astronomically high cure rate... 95%... forget cancer and live your life", that was from my oncologist yesterday, I sat there in the exam room that I knew all too well and couldn't really digest what he was saying, thank God my son was there with me, thank God he knew enough to ask him to elaborate, thank God he was there, period. I was way too nervous. My rush of tears, he said, were evidence of "Umbilical Cord Syndrome", when patients are afraid to let go of treatment, no matter how miserable it has been. And he was right, that's what I was feeling. Going to the hospital for treatment had become routine in my life and even though you dreaded it at least you felt like you were fighting this thing inside you that might start to grow again without it.

Although I gotta say that today I'm not missing that cord much, I'm sure the feeling will come up often as I move forward, but today I've sort of spent the day retracing my steps, and re-living all the love and light that has been sent my way by so many wonderful people in my life. And I feel like a little kid, all antsy to go out and do things. I could ramble on a long list of goofy things I want to do and do right now!

But "forget cancer", that's not one of them... I don't know if I will ever get to such a Zen place where I can be grateful for my cancer, but I do know that my life is richer for it, I have lived an intensity that I had never lived before, certainly through bad things like I had never experienced before, but I am also content with the knowledge that I will now feel that deep of an intensity through all the good as well.